Final Fantasai 13
by Sai Kunai Blade
Summary: After deciding Sai wasn't already OP enough, I decided to send him to the world of Final Fantasy 13 to cause some trouble. From there, he will join Lightning's gang, go crazy fighting with Lightning, back-to-back, crane style, become a L'cie and find his way back to his world. Can he do it? Will he master this new power? At least he'll have new drinking stories for Dante and Nero.
1. Prologue

Name: Sai Blade

Age: 17

Awesome facts: controls fire, is a badass ninja, has a type of Super Saiyan transformation with fire

Looks like: Look at the damn author's picture, lazy-asses

Personality: Total badass, ladies man and funny mofo. Enough said.

Bio: Born into a badass ninja clan, I can kick ass with any weapon I pick up and I can control fire, not to mention I make more references than Deadpool for funny effect or to trip up my opponent. I am one of the most skilled fighters in fictional history, as along with my family's traditional teachings, I have also trained under the tutelage of Deathstroke, Dante, Ryu Hayabusa and Bayonetta. I'm also an associate at Devil May Cry, where I'm in a kick-ass relationship with Lady and have a rivalry with Nero that is EXACTLY like Deadpool and wolverine, except I'm usually the one who kicks his ass. But if anyone says I look like Dante or Nero, HELL SHALL BEFALL THEM. Also in my possession is an apparently magic trench coat that, along with having 10 pockets, those pockets are close to bottomless. Now then, onto the story.

I woke up and got off the couch at DMC to find the guys ditched me... AGAIN. "Goddammit, guys! I know I keep stealing stuff from you, but that doesn't mean I'm the guy who always gets left behind at the drinking parties!" I snapped. I kicked down the door, only to find that this WAS NOT New York. Nowhere close. It was some type of future city. How the hell the office was here, I didn't know. I walked out to reveal that this wasn't the DMC office, but it did look incredibly similar. "Okay, so I'm to believe that I got so drunk I apparently walked into a different dimension and into someone's house? Man, that's gonna be a story to tell. Now how the hell do I get back?" I wondered.

"Guards! Guards! That guy broke into my house!" Some guy said, pointing at me.

"Hey, now, it was a common drunk mistake, no need for the authorities. I didn't take anything if it makes you feel better." I said.

"Halt, you're under arrest!" I heard a voice behind me.

"Says who?" I said, turning around with my hands on fire with a big fwoosh, then saw the 10 guys behind me with automatic weapons. "Oh, that's who." I said, turning off the fwoosh and raising my hands in surrender.

"What the hell?! Is he a L'cie?!" One of them demanded.

"The hell's a L'cie? I've been able to do that since I was born. By the way, where am I and what direction is New York in?" I asked.

"You're coming with us, buddy! You're getting purged!" They said, surrounding me and leading me away somewhere.

"I suppose it's better than getting loaded up with bullets. So, what's this purge?" I asked.

"We send you and those in suspicion of being a L'cie back where you came from. The world below our Cocoon: Pulse. Hell on Earth as we call it. You all are as good as dead there." One of them said.

"Sounds scenic. But getting rid of people because of what they are? Racist~." I said in a sing-song/taunting tone at the end.

"Just shut up and keep moving." The guy in the back said, shoving me.

In truth, I had no intention of being purged. When the moment was right, most likely on the train, I would fight back, kick ass, prove I'm a badass, save everyone about to be purged and, the gods willing if they were in this world, find my way back to mine. At the very least, I'd have new stories to tell when the gang's out drinking. Eventually, I was shoved into a line, waiting to get on a train. Suddenly, a woman about my height with pink hair and bangs going over her left shoulder, dressed similar to those guys, stepped up.

"I wanna be purged." She said.

"Only civilians are being purged. Not members of the Guardian Corps." The soldier said.

She then unsheathed a sword with a gun built into it and handed it to him. "Then I quit." She said, stepping in line behind me.

(Looks like I picked the right train.) I thought.


	2. Action from the get-go

We were now on the train to be purged to whatever kind of Hellhole this Pulse place was, me right next to the door between cars, but my eyes were on that chick from before. I knew she had to have some form of plan and it certainly interested me to think what it might be. Suddenly, the doors opened and a soldier walked out, up and down the isle, but he gave me a creepy look that made me want to stab him in the neck with a pencil. He raised his gun and took aim at certain people as the guy who stepped in line behind the girl turned to talk to her, which I could hear thanks to my demon hearing.

"You serious?" He asked.

"Be quiet." She told him.

He turned to look at the soldier, then looked back down the ground. "Best of luck." He said.

We suddenly crashed through some form of barrier, knocking everyone around and causing the soldier to stumble. At that moment, the girl rushed at him and knocked him to the ground, causing him to drop the device binding our hands. "Ah, freedom." I said, then waited for the door to open, ready to throw a round kick.

"She did it!" The guy said as everyone started calming down or cheering.

Two more soldier came out at that point. "Surprise!" I said, throwing the round kick, connecting with their chest and, no doubt in my mind shattering every single rib in their bodies, doubling them over then throwing off the cloak.

"Nice move, kid!" The girl said, running in and throwing her own round kick to their heads, knocking them into walls and out of consciousness.

"Style." I said with a considerate nod. She picked up one of their machine guns and I followed close behind with Fire and Ice (the guns Dante gave me in Chapter 10 of Saikai Academy. My own little versions of Ebony and Ivory, just red and blue, instead).

We took cover on either side of the doors until they opened and we rushed through, side-by-side, blasting at the guards. One came out from behind cover, only to be kicked in the head by the girl, then another one came out and I shot him in the face as she shot him in the chest a few times. We exchanged a glance and both nodded in approval of each other.

The guy from before, a black guy looking like a pilot, came up to a young boy and knelt beside him. "Hey, you alright?" He asked. The boy looked up at him, then he smiled. "I'm not a L'cie." He said.

"Okay, what the hell is a L'cie, seriously?" I asked.

"How do you not know that?" The girl asked as we continued to fight.

"I'm not from this dimension. I don't know how the hell I got here and I don't know the first thing about what lives here." I said.

"A little hard to believe, but fine, I'll tell you later." She said, kicking another soldier in the face as I grabbed the soldier's partner and repeatedly smashed my elbow into his face.

I also noticed a small bird popped out of the black guy's Afro at that point (Oh, sure, Square Enix, give the black guy an Afro, that's totally not stereotypical... Racist!). "The hell?!" I said.

The girl snapped her finger and suddenly was glowing with purple electricity, then jumped back and literally flew into two guards behind us. "Whoa!" I said, shocked, then she flew back, kicked another soldier and loaded the rest of the soldiers in this car up with bullets. "Wow. Suddenly I don't feel that badass anymore." I said. The last soldier, she shot while she was hanging upside down from the ceiling, which was incredibly epic. "Now even more." I said, looking at my badass meter, which was dropping as hers was rising incredibly.

The black guy came through at that moment holding a machine gun and two rocket launchers on his back, leading the rest of the people on the train. "So far, so good." He said.

"Do you really need 2 rocket launchers?" I asked.

"Why not?" He asked.

"... Excellent point." I said, nodding.

He then looked to the girl. "They all wanna fight." He said.

"Good for them." She said, holding the gunblade weapon she had from before like a machine gun, although it clearly wasn't.

The train cleared the cave we were in and was suddenly attacked by jets. "Saw that coming." I said, throwing fireballs at them.

"You can throw fire? You're a L'cie aren't you?!" She demanded.

"Still don't know what the hell those are. I'm a fire demon. It's hard to believe, but I'll tell you later." I smirked. I like turning people's words on them.

She then turned back to the guy and took one of the rocket launchers. "Give me that!" She said, then locked on to one of the jets and blew it up with a clean shot.

"Nice! I got this one." I said, pulling out Ice (the blue gun, much like Ivory, was made for long range shots) and shot twice, missing once, but easily taking down the jet with the next shot. "Yeah, that's how we do it in my town, bitch!" I laughed. Suddenly, they attacked with some weird flying monsters. "Why do they always do that? Each time I start to celebrate, they throw something worse." I said, annoyed, then pulled out a giant bazooka from my trench coat. "Let's try this!" I said, firing dozens of missiles at the oncoming attackers, easily blowing them up.

"Anything you DON'T seem to have in that coat?" She asked.

"A kitchen sink." I said without missing a beat, tossing the empty gun over my shoulder.

Unfortunately, I missed one and it shot the tracks and derailed the entire train with the exception of the car we were in. Luckily, everyone had moved to this one, so no one was hurt. Everyone began open firing at the people shooting at us, displaying amazing skill for your average citizen. "I always loved war zones. FIRE IN THE HOLE!" I said, throwing a massive fireball at the guys attacking us, blowing up the entire section of the bridge they were on.

"You're gonna have to go easy on that, man. You're gonna bring us all down." The guy said.

"Please, you're acting like I've never done this before." I said, putting my hand on the railing. Unfortunately, my hand was still on fire and it melted that section of the railing, sending a guy leaning on it for cover over the edge. "...Whoops." I said. Suddenly, they began to summon monsters from portals that bullets were bouncing off of. "Oh, that's cheap. Time for my own portals." I said, pulling out a portal gun, shooting underneath the bridge they were on, then underneath the feet of the monsters, sending them falling to their deaths. "Portal for the win!" I said triumphantly.

Suddenly, they flew in a giant scorpion robot from nowhere, which slammed on top of the train and started ripping it to pieces.

"Should've seen that coming." I said, deadpanning.

"Run!" The guy said as it smashed a hole in the roof. The girl ran through it."I meant away!" He said.

"Is she crazy!" I said, jumping out to provide support.

The guy slowly climbed his way out to stand beside us as it flew closer, slamming on the ground and knocking the guy on his ass. "Hey, hey! Let's be rational now!" He said, backing away. We all skillfully jumped back as it tried to strike, then got in our respective fighting stances. "They're sending the big guns now. What do we do?!" He asked.

"Kill." I answered.

"Watch and learn." She answered at the same time. It charged up it's saw blade arm and swung it at her, but she jumped back out of harms way. We got ready to fight again and the guy pulled our his guns.

"Oh, once again, Square Enix, give the black guy a couple of guns and have him bounce around like a gangster. Racist! There are only 2 black guys in the history of Final Fantasy and they only further the black stereotypes." I said, shaking my head, pulling out Nevan, turning it into a scythe.

Back at DMC...

"Guys, have you seen Sai for a while? And where did he take Nevan this time?" Dante asked.

Back to us...

The girl ran in and attacked twice while the guy and I provided support at a distance with bullets and lightning balls with Nevan in its guitar form. She jumped back, then I rushed in with Nevan as a scythe again and did a triple flip, striking the robot 3 different times, ripping its face open a little, causing it to jump back away from us.

"Not bad." She said.

"Way to go, buddy! You made it look like a pansy!" He said.

It suddenly grabbed the train car we were on and started shaking it a little. "Fall back!" She said, running back along with the guy as I did a jumping backflip to land where they were, a different car.

The guy laughed at it at this point, since it wouldn't come after us. "Not so tough now, huh?!" He laughed. It suddenly activated thrusters and started to lift the train car. "Hey! That wasn't like a challenge now, alright?" He asked, backing away and raising his guns in a signal to stop. It then started to lift the full train.

"Holy shit!" I said, turning and running.

"Coming up!" He said as they ran alongside me.

We jumped from train to train as they were being lifted until the girl jumped on the rail of one of the trains and grinded on it to the first safe train. "I can take a cue from that." I said, but knowing I couldn't grind like that, I threw Nevan and landed on it like a surfboard, but unfortunately, I threw it horizontally, so it was spinning, so now I was spinning. "Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, this wasn't as good of an idea as I thought! Whoa, whoa, whoa, gods, I'm gonna be sick!" I said as I crashed next to her.

Unfortunately, the guy was still on the trains getting lifted and thrown. He slid a little bit, but then came running again, but at this rate, he wouldn't make it. "He's gonna die." I said.

"Jump!" The girl told him. He did so and landed safely on our train, but fell onto his hands and knees, while the bird from his hair made a perfect stage landing.

"I'll give you a 10 for the performance, but a 5 for the landing." I said.

It flew back and with a little more effort than last time, we finally killed it, sending it falling thousands of feet below. The guy then fell back, panting. "Whoo. Oh, goodness. We did it." He said.

"Yeah, yay, hooray, good job, guys." I said, fake-cheering like Iron Man after he nuked the Chitauri ship in the Avengers.

The girl knelt down for some reason, then a bunch of jets flew over us, but ignored us, then she stood up and sheathed her sword, folding it up and putting it away, "That was cool. Where can I get one of those?" I asked.

"You'll have to take one from an officer of the Guardian Corps." She said.

"I'll look for one of them later." I said.

She then started to walk off before the guy spoke again. "Aren't you supposed to protect civilians, 'soldier?' I mean, you are Sanctum, aren't you? What are you doing trying to stop the purge? Why don't you tell me that?" He asked.

"I WAS a soldier." She said, then walked towards the edge.

"Okay, what is Sanctum and the hell is the purge and why is it so good?" I asked.

"Sanctum's the army, the purge is to get rid of L'cie and if it's stopped, that means L'cie are still free to roam around." He explained, then she jumped off the edge of the train. "Hey, where do you think you're going?!" He asked.

"She definitely looks like she's on a mission. Something tells me I'll have more fun sticking around with her. 6 to 1 odds are I'll find a way to get home, too." I said, following her.

The guy sighed, then looked at the little bird as it flew out of his Afro and into his hand. "Chocobo, we just can't catch a break, can we?" He asked, then started climbing down. "Oh, well, I'd better follow them. I'm getting too old for this." He said, catching back up with us. "You sure we can get through here?" He asked, referring to the path blocked by rubble. Suddenly, a jet conveniently blew up the rubble blocking the path.

"Yes." I said.

We snuck up on some guys and capped 'em easily, then continued on our way. "That was ANNOYINGLY easy." I said. We encountered some guys we couldn't sneak up on and killed them with a bit more effort, continuing once again. We continued on this way for a while, then encountered some guys blocking the middle of the bridge with weird tiger monsters.

"I don't wanna get purged, but taking on train soldiers-" The guy said.

"Better to die than get sent to Pulse. It's Hell on Earth." The girl said.

"I don't know, I've went to Hell a few time, it's not much worse than what we're going through here. The worst part is all the Jehovah's witnesses and some oiled-up German guys who wanna wrestle you." I said, shuddering at the memory.

"Are you real?" The guy asked.

"They're domesticated peacekeepers. Nothing to worry about." She said, rushing in.

"I'll have to introduce her to Lady if I ever get the chance." I said, following her.

We kicked ass and continued on until we reached more guys in the way. "Preemptive strike!" She said, in other words: surprise attack.

But then the tiger thing saw us and drew the soldiers attention as they came up to fight us. "So much for the surprise attack." The guy said

We killed them and continued until they jets dropped a massive bomb that blew up the bridge in front of us and almost knocked us off our feet. "What now? Do we turn back?!" The guy asked.

"There's no time!" She said.

"What do we do, then?" He asked.

"Quiet!" She said, then snapped her fingers to activate the gravity device.

"You're just gonna leave us here?!" He demanded.

"Relax. I can fly, I'll just carry you across." I said, using my Ki to take flight and grabbed onto him, flying after her (Yay for plot convenience!).

We landed on the other side, close to another warzone to the sound of it. "Sounds like more killing ahead. Let's be ready." I said.

"So, soldier? What's your angle?" He asked the girl. "What? Classified military info? You quit, didn't you? It's not like I'm gonna go around and-" He continued before she finally answered.

"Pulse Fal'Cie." She said.

"What?" He asked.

"My angle, I'm after the Fal'Cie." She said.

"Now what's a Fal'Cie?" I asked.

"A big metal monster that's like a god, turns people into L'Cie." The guy explained.

"So, we're after that? Shit just got real!" I said.

"Still happy you tagged along?" She asked, walking off.

"I am." I said. The guy was silent.

"Didn't have a choice." He said.

"I'll leave that alone for later plot filler." I said, following her.

We continued towards the next battlefield and heard an unimportant announcement from presumably some type of Overlord. We popped up to see a guy stomp on the radio that was broadcasting the message. "Snow." The girl said with a hint of anger and hatred in her voice.

"History?" I asked.

"He's a rebel against the government and my sister's fiancee." She said.

"And you worked for the government. Must be a bad home situation." I said.

"Migration? More like extermination." Some Blue haired kid said, walking up to Snow.

"Yuj." Snow said. "Stay here." He ordered.

"Sorry, I just-" The kid said, pausing.

"These people need heroes!" Snow said, raising a fist.

"So far this guy knows how to get you amped." I said.

He raised Yuj's gun so he was holding it in both hands. "Here." He said, then nodded to the people beside them. "You keep your cool, they will, too. You got it?" He said.

"Got it." Yuj responded.

"I like things more heated." I said.

"What's our motto?" Snow asked.

"The army's no match for NORA." He answered.

"Good boy." He said, giving a thumb's up, then ruffling his hair and started climbing up rubble to the battlefield.

"Who's Nora? Sounds like one of my Nana's knitting friends." I said.

"It's their little rebel group. A stupid acronym. It stands 'No Obligations, Rules or Authority.'" She said.

"... That's fucking stupid." I said, following where Snow went. If there was a war going on, I'd better not miss a DAMN thing.


	3. Very little Plot Extention

We continued following behind Snow without him even realizing we were there, thanks to my ninja skillz! …And because I stole Harry Potter's invisibility cloak. He walked towards a warzone and another group of his rag-tag militia.

"This is crazy!" A little blonde kid said, taking cover.

"Then take a nap!" A tough, roughneck-looking guy with weirdly cut red hair snapped, looking back at him.

"What the hell is wrong with his hair?" I asked.

"Really? Can I?" The kid asked.

Lightning and I instantly deadpanned. "Seriously?" We both said.

"Sure! And when we're taking a dirtnap, you can save 'em all." The guy snapped.

"Aww, that's even worse." The kid said, falling onto his back.

"Snow actually trusts these kids? They barely know how to hold those guns. I'll be amazed if they drop one soldier in that group." I said.

"I told you, he's a reckless idiot." She said.

He then jumped down and took cover next to the kid. "No dirtnaps today." He said, then looked at the battlefield. "Our enemy is the Cocoon Sanctum. The dreaded PSICOM, no less." He said.

"Ouch, that must hurt." I said, looking at Lightning.

"I'll make you hurt if you keep it up." She snapped.

"What's there to dread? PSICOM's nothing except a bunch of fluster and bullying. They've got nothing on NORA." Some girl said, shooting at them.

"Well, they can HIT stuff." I said, noticing 5 bullets in my chest.

"Well, we are the heroes after all." The dude with the weird hair said, standing up and shooting at them.

"Heroes can ACTUALLY shoot." I said.

"Well, let's see you do better." Sazh said.

I smirked. "Thought you'd never ask." I said, getting out from under the cloak, rushing in as they were about to, into the middle of the warzone and pulled out Fire and Ice, Old West gunslinger style and shot the opposition dead effortlessly. "There how hard was that? Aiming always works." I said.

They all aimed their guns at me, but I just looked at them like "really?". "Yeah, that's not gonna work out well for you guys." I said.

They all looked cautious, but then Snow walked up and reached his hand out. "Not half bad. Snow Villiers." He said.

I put Ice away and shook his hand. "Sai Blade." I said.

"You certainly know your way around a fight. Care to help out here?" He asked.

"That's what we were already doing." I said.

"We?" He said, then followed my glance to see Lightning and Sazh walking up. "Well, Lightning. Didn't think we'd ever be fighting side by side." He said with a smirk.

"I wouldn't get used to it, if I were you. I'm only here for Serah." She said.

Who?

[Must be an important character to later explain a critical plot point.]

(In that case, let's leave it alone.) I told my head voices as we continued on.

We killed wave after wave of soldiers with ease, I didn't even have to use my powers yet. After a very short amount of time (2 fights, back-to-back) we came across more soldiers as we observed the situation from behind cover. "Aw, no more!" The blonde kid, Maqui, said, falling back and whining.

"You should really think about incorporating more less-incompetent soldiers." I told Snow.

"My team's the best I got." He said.

"You obviously haven't looked that hard." I said.

Hell yeah. Damion could kick these guys asses as an afterthought.

[Yes, but I don't think we'll find Damion in another dimension.]

(Too bad. He was like the Wolverine in the gang. Godspeed, you magnificent son of a bitch.) I thought.

"There are soldiers everywhere." The girl, LeBrau, said.

"I know, isn't it great?" I said, throwing a grenade out, wiping out a bunch of soldiers.

"So, boss, what's the plan?" The redhead, Gadot, asked Snow.

"Charge in, guns blazing." Snow said.

"Of course." Lightning grumbled.

"I like the way he thinks." I said.

"You would." Sazh said.

"Hey, that's not a plan!" Maqui said.

"For mortals, not the best plan, no." I said.

"Real heroes don't need plans." LeBrau said.

" … That is the dumbest thing I've ever heard…. LET'S DO THIS!" I shouted, rushing out, shooting the guys like Alucard would, getting loaded up with bullets myself. I killed them all and turned back to the group. "That worked, but I wouldn't recommend the same for you." I said.

"What the?!" The NORA members all shouted, freaked out.

"How the hell did you survive that? Are you a L'cie!?" Snow asked with a growl.

"For the last time, I don't even know what a L'cie is." I said.

"Apparently, he's some demon from another dimension." Lightning said.

"And now that I don't have to hide my powers anymore." I said, making a fireball in one hand and throwing it into the onslaught of guards that showed up again.

"Oh, man, I love explosions." I said.

Almost as pretty as fireworks!

[And an incredibly beautiful and effective way to slaughter enemies in droves.]

"Well, as long as you're on our side, I got no problems with you." Snow said.

"I prefer not to hurt people that aren't trying to kill me or that don't piss me off, so you're fine." I said.

"Let's just keeping going." Lightning said, rushing ahead, slashing through more guards.

"Damn, her boyfriend is a lucky guy." I said.

"She doesn't have one." Snow said, following her.

"I think I could fix that." I said, following.

[Wouldn't Lady kill us?]

How would she ever find out? We're in another dimension!

(Yep. What she won't know and won't ever figure out won't hurt her.) I agreed.

"Same plan as always! Hit 'em hard. And hit 'em again!" Snow said, slamming his fist into a soldier's face.

"I respectfully disagree. I prefer hitting them so hard they'll never get up again, then hitting the next guy just as hard." I said, kicking a soldier in the side of the head, decapitating him and sending his head flying. "[I love my job.]"

"Don't you kids go falling behind now!" Snow said, running up front, fighting a small group of soldiers by himself.

"It's better to stay back when I'm about to throw the Holy Hand Grenade!" I said, throwing the blessed hand grenade from Monty Python's Holy Grail at them, reeling Snow back with the Batclaw I stole from… Well, you should know who.

"That doesn't look that dangerous." Snow said.

"Yeah, well, neither did the rabbit in that movie and look what that did." I said. The angelic choir around the grenade ceased and the guards were incinerated by the mighty grenade. "Works every time." I said.

"Do you only have things that kill people in there?" Sazh asked.

I reached in, grabbed something and held it out to him. "Tic-tac?" I offered.

Snow then walked back up to the group with his NORA guys. We followed just behind. "You all okay?" He asked.

They all nodded or murmured yes. Maqui grabbed all the fallen machine guns and caught up to Snow, but tripped and fell, dropping them. "Seriously, does this kid do ANYTHING that's not incompetent?" I asked.

"Careful with those." Snow told him. He just chuckled. He then looked back at the group. "Don't worry. No one's moving to Pulse today." He said.

I elbowed LeBrau gently. "Seriously, what's so bad about this Pulse place?" I asked.

"Basically Hell. Full of monsters that will kill you as soon as they look at you." She said.

"Sounds fun." I said.

[Nothing we don't deal with back at DMC, dealing with demons.]

Or Nero.

"We'll clear a path for you, so just sit tight-." Snow started, when someone stood up.

"Wait! You can't expect us to just sit here!" One dude shouted, standing up, looking pissed.

"Yeah, let us fight with you!" Another one said.

"Wow. I've never known such a violent group like this. My kind of people." I said.

There was an explosion off to the left behind us. "Okay then. Volunteers front and center." He said.

Many people walked up, including someone who, based on her pheromones and such (gotta love demon senses) suggested she was a mother. "Mom?" Her son asked.

([Called it.])

"Don't worry." She said, walking up and picking up the guns, walking up to our group.

Snow saw her and walked up. "You sure?" He asked.

"Yeah. Mom's are tough." She said.

"That is true." I said, remembering one time my mom tore a dude's throat out for whistling at my sister.

Gadot then spun a gun around stylishly and handed it to Snow. "Last one, boss." He said.

"Right." Snow said, walking up to those who didn't volunteer. "Alright, last one. Somebody take it." He said, holding it up in the air, then holding it out to the group, towards the mother's son. He scooted back however.

([Noob.])

The girl beside him suddenly got up onto her knees and reached out for it. "Yeah!" She said.

He handed it to her at that point. "Push comes to shove, keep 'em safe." He said, winking and clicking his tongue.

She took it and aimed it… at him. "Bang!" She said. He pretended to groan like it actually hurt.

"Alright. Lay low and you'll be fine. We're gonna clear out the area." He told them.

"Wait, do we have to lay low, too?" I asked, disappointed.

"Nope, we're going right into the heart of a raging firestorm." He said.

"Now you're talking!" I said, perking back up and pulling out 2 miniguns.

The groups split up, Maqui leading away those that wouldn't fight and us going off with the ones that would. We continued on, defeating more and more of the soldiers trying to stop us, when they suddenly brought in some type of massive dog/bear creature. "Heroes don't run from fights." Snow said, getting ready to fight.

"No, but if this thing knows what's good for it, IT better run from this fight." I said, getting ready to throw a fireball the size of an SUV. It decided to attack us. "*inhales* Bad move." I said casually, throwing it. No more massive dog/bear creature anymore.

After that, it was a big gun fight that PSICOM was badly losing as Gadot started to actually aim, effectively killing one soldier as I unloaded on the rest of them with miniguns. "YEAH! WHAT YOU GOT, BITCHES?! WHAT YOU GOT?!" I shouted, mowing them down.

Suddenly, a giant airship started firing and pinning us down, loading me up with bullets completely through the torso. "I don't deserve this." I said, annoyed.

That is a big-ass helicopter!

[It's Final Fantasy, there's no such thing as helicopters.]

Snow rushed out to try and grab the rocket launcher sitting on the ground, but it slipped out of his hands and out of his reach. "Are you fucking kidding me?" I said, charging a Kamehameha.

Epic fail! "Ka….me….."

[Noob.] "Ha….me…."

The airship then made a giant cannon. [Wow, that's a big gun. Even for Final Fantasy!]

Then the cannon opened up to become even more deadly. And it gets bigger!

"HA!" I said, firing the blue beam of death completely through the airship, breaking it in two and sending it to the ground. "Ha ha! Yeah! Take that you son of- oh, shit." I said as I realized it was coming down on the bridge we were on.

[Maybe that WASN'T our smartest decision.]

I didn't see YOU coming up with any plans!

"Your disembodied voices in my head, you CAN'T be seen. Anyway, plan now, how to save ourselves and everyone else. We're just one demon; we can't save everyone on our own." I said, looking, trying to make a plan as the bridge was going down.

[Have you forgotten we can make an army of clones of ourselves at any time?]

Or, more our style, break the 4th wall and rip-off another franchise. Specifically one with creatures getting captured in baseball-sized prisons!

"You made that sound darker than it is, but I get what you're saying. Which one?" I asked.

[That IS the problem with having 493 of them. Too many choices.]

How hard is this choice? Pick the most badass one!

"You got a point there. Time for even more shameless cross-promotions. Mewtwo, help us out." I said, throwing the Master Ball to release the ultimate psychic Pokémon, having it catch us all with its psychic and slowly lowering us to the ground.

(As always, I am only needed to get you out of trouble.) He complained through telepathy.

"Hey, there's almost NEVER a situation that bad when I need you. Think of it as a compliment." I said.

(Very well. Let me out when there's actual fighting to be done.) He said as I recalled him.

"Right then, where the hell are we?" I said.

"What the hell was that thing?" Snow asked walking up.

"Oh, I have so much work to do." I sighed, deadpanning.

Suddenly, a giant type of airship, or something, was released and sent somewhere, not going unnoticed by Snow and Lightning. "Serah!" They both shouted.

"Who now?" I asked, confused.

"My fiancée." Snow said.

"My younger sister." Lightning said.

"That's your sister? I was kinda picturing a girl a little shorter than you, pink hair, something like that." I said.

"Don't be a smartass." Lighting said, putting the gunblade to my throat.

"That's the Pulse Fal'Cie." Sazh informed.

"Serah's inside it." Snow said.

"Well, this just got a whole lot more interesting." I said, reaching into my pocket and releasing Rayquaza, the only thing I knew that could get the group there together. "Well, let's skip another annoyingly large chunk of the plot and go get her." I said, jumping on its back, waiting for the others to get on. Just like with the first one, though, they were way too distrusting. "Come on, the head's up here, it's not gonna bite." I said.

They exchanged glances, but eventually got on. "So, what's your angle in this, anyway?" She asked.

"Have you not been listening? I wanna get the hell back home. Maybe by setting certain events in motion, that will happen. If not, at least I still get to kick ass and kill things." I said, ordering it to fly off.

Back on the place with the other group of survivors…

The kid whose mother had left to fight, Hope, glared at us as we went towards the Fal'Cie, glaring at Snow. "That's the one." He said.

"Didn't you have something to tell him?" She asked.

"Yeah, but- They're on a dragon. How are we supposed to catch up to them?" He asked.

"I'll go with you." She said. Then she saw the hoverbike. "Hey, do you know how to fly that?" She asked.

"Yeah, I think so." He said.

"Alright!" She said, shoving him in. "In you go!" She then got in herself. "That way!" She said, pointing to the Fal'Cie.

"If we go in there, that thing could make us L'cie." He said.

"What are you two doing?!" Gadot shouted, running up to them.

"Time to go!" Hope said, firing up the engine and taking off after us.

Back with us…

"I sense a useless plot device in the force." I said ominously.


	4. Infiltrating a God

Untraditionally, I'll start out with Hope and Vanille instead of the rest of us (I need to work out where we'd be in the plot). Much like one would expect from a 14-year-old with no driving experience, Hope crashed the airbike thing, but luckily onboard the Fal'Cie. The funniest thing to note was how they were positioned: They were both face down on the ground- err, Vanille was face down on the GROUND, Hope was face down with his head on the small of Vanille's back. That'd be an embarrassing situation to explain, huh? Good thing they both didn't notice. "That was close." Vanille said as they got up. "Now, where is?" She said, looking for and finding the airbike, which was totaled. "Well then… Guess it's just us." She said, crossing her fingers in a weird way and praying.

"Well, what did you expect? Even soldiers know not to go near the Fal'Cie. You become a Pulse L'Cie and you're finished." Hope said in a somber tone.

"What do you mean finished?" She asked.

"Haven't you heard? Ms.-?" He asked.

"Vanille." She said.

"Huh?"

"My name. And yours?" She asked, holding out her hand.

"Hope." He said, reaching up and taking her hand. She pulled him to his feet, fixed his hair and dusted him off. "Thank you." He said. He then sighed, looking down. "What were we thinking?" He asked.

"Well, since we're here, let's look around." She said (I could've sworn he just said you're NOT supposed to go near a Fal'Cie).

"Uh…" He said, unsure, but followed her anyway.

They continued up the stairs until she noticed something. "Hey! Check this out!" She said, climbing onto some decoration.

"Vanille!" Hope warned.

She didn't listen. She continued climbing and it sounded like she was reaching for something, then she came back with a weird device that looked like deer antlers on a stick, looking like a slingshot without a rubber band to hold the ammo. I honestly don't know how to describe it. "Well, what do you think?" She asked, taking some form of stance with it.

"That's…" He said unsure of what to say.

She continued playing with it and making a bunch of noises, alerting one of those little tiger things, which was asleep on top of a pillar, then jumped down and roared at them. Vanille walked up beside Hope and got ready to fight. At this point, Hope sighed and pulled out a… -.- Seriously, dude? He pulled out a boomerang. The hell's he gonna do with-. He threw it at the monster and it bounced off, but then rebounded and hit the monster again, then came around and came back to him (nevermind). Vanille fought by swinging the… weapon like a fishing pole, making the spikes fly towards the thing on strings and lash at it like a sharp whip. They dealt with the monster incredibly effectively and folded their weapons, both of which folded intricately.

"Okay! Back to exploring!" She said as they continued on.

They continued on, fighting quite a few monsters along the way. "I thought this place was supposed to be empty!" Hope complained. They eventually came to a red door with a big weird mark on it. "Aren't you scared?" He asked her.

"Hm… Not so much." She said nonchalantly.

"You really don't get it." He said.

She turned around and looked back at him, then walked up and past him, waving her finger. "Pulse Fal'Cie and L'Cie are bad news. That's why Cocoon kicked them out. Get to close to the Fal'Cie, one way ticket to Pulse. That's the purge in a nutshell." She said.

"If they catch us here, they'll purge us, too! And then-." He started before she interrupted.

"What's your problem?" She asked (Let's see, he thought he saw his mother die when the bridge fell and she would've if I hadn't saved everyone, you smacked him in the face right after that, then dragged him into going after us against his will and everyone thinks going to Pulse is a death sentence. When you look at it, Hope has reasons to be a whiny baby. I don't approve of it; I'm just saying I understand).

"What's my-?! Pulse is hell on Earth!" He told her (I thought pulse is the planet itself, so how can it be hell on EARTH if it's its own planet?).

She thought about that for a second, then hugged him. "We'll be okay. Calm down." She said.

He stood there for a moment, then pulled away. "Get off me." He told her (What's your problem?! If I were you, I'd let her hug me as long as she wanted).

Suddenly, they heard Snow shout. "Serah?! Where are you?!" He called out.

Elsewhere…

"Finally! Back to me. The story don't start 'till I walk in." I said, Tik Tok playing in my head.

Snow looked at his surroundings, then to the path ahead. "Don't worry, Serah. You're hero is on the way." He said.

"You're no hero." Lightning huffed, walking ahead.

"She has a point. A lot of that stuff you pulled there was just plain reckless. Especially that epic fail with the rocket launcher." I said, following her.

We continued on and Snow activated the thing. "Just hold on, Serah." He said as the various stairs shifted and moved.

"Whoa, it's like Harry Potter and those rotating-ass staircases." I said in awe.

"With all these monsters around, there might be some soldiers still around. 'Course, by now, they'd probably be L'cie. Not even human anymore. Pulse L'Cie, enemies of Cocoon. Can't show 'em any mercy." Sazh said.

"Watch it, man." Snow said with a glare.

"Wait, what, what?" Sazh said, surprised.

"My sister Serah is a L'Cie." Lightning said.

"And she's my fiancée." Snow added.

"Oh, you're getting married? Congratulations." I said.

We cleared the area and another lift came down. "Alright." Snow said, leading the way and jumping onto the thing. "Hang on, baby! You're heroes on the way!" He shouted.

"Are you going to keep repeating that?" I asked, annoyed.

Back with Hope and Vanille…

They heard Snow's echo and suddenly, the area they were in lit up and a staircase rose up, allowing them to continue. "He is here. Calling himself a hero?" Hope said angrily, lowering his head.

Vanille walked up and leaned forward a little to look at him better. "He's coming our way." She said.

"What should I do?" He asked.

"Tell him what you need to." She said (by the way, looking back, does anyone else think that Vanille's voice actor seems to mess up her accent quite often? This line is the perfect example).

"But nothing I say will… Change what happened." He said, looking down again.

"We could just… Run away." She said. He looked at her for a moment, then nodded (you know, one would think he'd be a lot more pissed at the fact his mother just supposedly died). They then ran off, not knowing where. After continuing on for a while, they were suddenly surrounded and cut off at all angles by some weird creatures that looked like zombies!

"What are these things?!" He said, freaking out.

"Cie'th. L'Cie who fail. This is when L'Cie don't complete the focus the Fal'Cie gave them." She explained.

Suddenly, they heard a scream and Snow ran in and tackled a Cie'th to the ground, running up beside the two. "Let's even these odds!" He said.

"For Pony!" I shouted randomly jumping into the air and throwing a couple of fireballs down at the Cie'th, landing elegantly in front on the side opposite of Snow.

Lightning also ran in and cut a few more of them, also joining the group. "Man, this is some trouble!" Sazh said, shooting a couple more of them. With all of us there, it was over in a matter of seconds.

"That was fun. Let's do it again!" I said cheerfully.

Snow then turned to the two younger members of the newly formed group. "How'd you get in here?! You gotta leave now." He said.

"How do you expect them to leave? I heard a crash earlier, so whatever they used to get here isn't gonna work now." I told him.

"Okay, listen. Find some place to hide and keep quiet. We're gonna go get Serah, then we'll all leave together." He said, rushing forward and signaling us to follow.

"You-!" Hope said angrily.

"Wait!" Vanille called, stopping us all and causing us to look back at her. "Who's Serah?" She asked.

"Haven't we been over this?" I asked.

"My sister." Lightning said.

"And my wife." He said, then dodged a punch from lightning and I struggled to hold her back. "Future wife, that is. She's a Pulse L'Cie." He said.

"Oh, no." Vanille said sadly.

"Ooh." I said, grimacing.

"She's here somewhere, along with that Fal'Cie. I gotta set her free." He said.

Hope stood up suddenly. "What's wrong with you?! Why do you wanna help a L'Cie?! They're the enemy!" He shouted angrily.

"Dude, chill. It's also his fiancée. What would you do if you're girlfriend you loved more than life itself was a L'Cie? That's like breaking up over religious reasons: Just stupid." I said, sighing.

"How can you save a L'Cie! And not… And not…" He stammered. "That's insane!" He shouted again, stomping one foot.

I looked at him closely and walked up. "Hey, I recognize you. Your mother went to fight with us when the bridge collapsed. Don't worry. She's safe. I saved them." I said, drawing his attention. I then smirked and winked. "Yeah, I'm a bit more reliable than Mr. Hero over here." I said.

Snow chuckled. "Watch it, buddy. You're still on the possibility of being a L'Cie list." He said.

"And I still have the vaguest clue what a L'Cie is." I said, walking back.

"Wait!" Hope called.

"Yeah?" I said, turning around.

"Thanks." He said.

"Yeah, no problem. You two may be safer with us. Those things showed up from nowhere, so for all we know, they could come back. Besides, the more the merrier. And for a boomerang and an I-don't-know-what-the-hell-it-is, those are some good weapons." I said, flicking my head as in indication for them to follow.

There you go, fans! We kept everyone and Hope won't be as whiny as he was in the game.

[Took quite a bit of mind-power, but it will be worth it.]

"Probably a good idea not to leave 'em alone." Snow said with a nod.

"Yep. Let's go." I said, walking ahead like a badass.

"Hey, what is your sister's focus? When she became a L'Cie, what did the Fal'Cie order her to do? It wasn't blow up Cocoon or anything like that?" Sazh asked Lightning.

"I didn't ask." She said.

"If they've got the power to blow up something the size of a moon, I wouldn't mind becoming a L'Cie." I said.

"May wanna hold off on that decision." Snow said.

"Listen, when a person gets cursed by a Fal'Cie, then they become a L'Cie. And they get given a focus, right?" He asked, to which she sighed. "How do I put this? If they don't carry it out, L'Cie end up as one of those things." He said, nodding towards more of the Cie'th, which I promptly blew up. "What I mean is, if she's gone that far- I mean-." Then he kept tripping over himself to find the right words, but you can't really blame him. This is a touchy-ass subject.

"Ouch." I said.

"There's no way to turn a L'Cie back into a human. Even if she completes her focus, there's no changing her fate. She'll live her life as a Fal'Cie slave." He continued sadly.

"Dark." I said somberly.

Lightning sounded like she was weeping a little. "Don't make her suffer." He said.

She glared at him and pushed him. "Just say it! Any L'Cie, anyone who might ever become a L'Cie should be wiped off the face of Cocoon!" She said, trying to fight tears and crying.

"Damn." I said, shocked that her rough and stoic exterior was cracking.

"It's people like you that started the purge in the first place!" She said to him.

"Getting a little accusing now." I said.

After A LOT of fighting and progression, we went up a lift and saw a girl who looked like Lightning, but a bit younger, laying on the ground. "Serah!" Lightning said, rushing to her side and picking her up, bridal style, carrying her away. She was unconscious. "Time to go! We have to leave before the army-! What?" She asked, Sazh standing in her way.

"That's a Pulse brand. That girl's a L'Cie." He said.

"I think we've been over this more than once. You gotta keep up, man." I told him.

"I already told you that!" Lightning snapped.

Sazh began reaching for his guns. "Pulse L'Cie are the enemies of Cocoon." He said.

Lightning gasped and turned away slightly, knowing what he was thinking. "So they should die?!" She demanded.

"Put the guns down, man. This will not end well for you." I told him.

"Listen, if she fails her focus, you know how that'll end." He said, looking at both of us.

"And killing her is a mercy?" She demanded.

Suddenly, Serah reached up and touched Lightning's face. "You came." She said weakly, Lightning setting her down.

"Serah!" Snow said, coming to her side, holding her hand with both of his.

"Is that my hero?" She said.

"I'd call myself a little bit more of a hero. I've saved a few more people's asses than he has so far." I said.

"Is now really the time for that?" Sazh asked.

"I try to make each of my lines as humorous as I can when it's appropriate, yes." I said.

"Let's get you out of here." He said, but Lightning leaned in more to keep him back.

"Hands off! I'm taking her home!" She said.

"Aren't we all on the same side here?" I asked.

"No!" She snapped at me.

"Okay, I vote for Lightning." I said.

"Sis-." Snow said.

"I'm not your sister! You couldn't protect her! It's your fault she's-!" She said, but then Serah said something.

"Save us." She said.

"Huh?" I asked, confused.

[Us?]

"Serah?" Lightning asked.

"You can save us… Protect us all… Save… Cocoon." She said.

"If that gets me back home, I'll help." I said.

"Save Cocoon? Serah? That was your Focus!?" Lightning asked.

"I'll do anything! Leave it to me, I'll protect Cocoon, I'll save everyone!" He said.

"You haven't been doing the best job so far." I told him.

"Somehow, I'll make things right!" Lightning told her.

"You just relax." Snow said soothingly.

She smiled at both of them after that. "Thank you." She said. Suddenly, she began glowing light blue and levitating up in the air.

"Ooh, shiny! Pretty colors." I said.

And she's like Chris Angel, too!

[She's magic, she can fly!]

"Serah?!" Lightning said, panicked. As soon as both of them had let go of her, she suddenly put her hands together and turned into a crystal.

"Ooh, shinier." I said, the image reflecting in my eyes.

We DO love shiny things!

[One of the best things on earth.]

A small shiny thing then flew into Snow's hand and became an Ocean-blue crystal tear. "Serah?! Serah!" He shouted, jumping and flailing.

"What's happening, she turned to stone?" Vanille asked.

"L'Cie who complete their focus become a crystal. And gain eternal life." Hope said.

"Just like the stories say." Sazh said.

"Shiny… Very shiny…" I said, still distracted.

[Yes, that's actually what we focused on most throughout this scene.]

We can be EASILY distracted.

"Serah, sweet dreams." Snow said.

Lightning walked around her crystallized sister, pushed Sazh out of the way and grabbed Snow. "Sweet dreams?! She's not sleeping! Serah's… She's…" She said, distraught and at a loss for words.

"She is definitely an inanimate object." I said, looking closely… And secretly cracking off crystal points to sell for a fortune back home. Nothing important, don't worry.

"She's alive!" Snow protested.

"No!" Lightning wept.

"The legend! Remember the legend! L'Cie who fulfill their focus turn to crystal and gain eternal life! It's the same with Serah! Eternal life! She's not dead!" He said as if nothing could make him think otherwise. "Serah's my bride-to-be. I promised to be hers forever! I don't care how many years I have to wait!" He said, but then she threw a haymaker and decked him.

(So that's what Damion meant when he told me about pink-haired Yandere women.) I thought.

Flashback…

I called up Damion to tell him about a fight I was watching between some pink-haired dominatrix woman and his eventual ex-girlfriend (who he has not said the name of). "Damion, it's about your girlfriend." I said.

"Yes?" He asked.

"How do I put this… SHE'S A FUCKING JET, MAN!" I said, watching as she, as some form of humanoid jet, was sailing right at the pink-haired bitch.

"How the FUCK did that happen?" He asked.

"She was fighting that pink-haired girl, all of a sudden, the pink-haired girl started spouting out how no one will hurt her love, who as you know, is the bitch your girl is after for killing her parents or whatever. Anyway, she attacked your girlfriend, then she came out of the debris as a jet." I explained.

"I see. Wait, did you say PINK HAIR?!" He said, sounding slightly panicked.

"Yeeees? What does that have to do with anything?" I asked.

"2 things: 1, Pink-haired women tend to be Yandere chicks, with the exception of Outer Moka. And 2, DON'T FUCK WITH YANDERE chicks!" He said.

"The fuck is Yandere?" I asked (he actually had to explain this to me).

"Haven't you seen Mirai Nikki?" He asked.

"No, is it hentai?" I asked.

"No, it's a freaky-ass anime. You do watch more anime than Soul Eater and Rosario Vampire, right?" He asked.

"I have ADD, you ass! Anytime you tell me to watch something, I forget." I said.

"My point being, there's this pink-haired chick that kills people for getting too close to her boyfriend. My baby's in danger." He said.

"What about the jet thing?" I asked.

"FUCK THE JET THING! WORRY ABOUT THE PINK BITCH!" He snapped.

"Well get here and help me, you mental motherfucker!" I snapped.

There was a pause. "That's low, man." He said.

"My apologies." I said, then went to YouTube to take a look at the anime. "Holy shit!" I said.

"It's fine. Asshole. I'm on my way." He said.

I forget what happened after that, I got hit in the head with a giant rock.

Ending flashback…

"Damn, what a weekend." I thought.

"It's over! Open your eyes and face reality!" Lightning snapped.

It think we should all just calm down and-." I started, but then she put the gunblade to my throat. "Nevermind." I said.

Suddenly, the whole place began shaking. "What now?!" Vanille asked, panicked.

"I think we made it mad!" I said, trying to stay in one spot.

"The army!" Sazh said.

From outside, the army was indeed attacking and were shooting wires in that was literally ripping the Fal'Cie to shreds. "This is gonna SUCK." I said.

"What's happening now?!" Vanille asked as everyone else was trying to cover themselves, except Lightning and Snow, who were covering Serah.

"Sanctum strike! Must be trying to bring down the Pulse Vestige!" Sazh answered.

"Aren't they taking it back to Pulse?! That's what the Purge was, right?!" She asked.

"All they care about is getting everything from Pulse OFF Cocoon! Dead or alive, it's all the same!" He said.

"You guys SERIOUSLY need cultural acceptance meetings! Or whatever the hell those interracial and whatever those meetings are called. Someone tell me in the comments!" I said, having slammed my fists into the ground to hang on for dear life.

"We can't stay here! They'll kill us!" Hope shouted.

Suddenly, a door to the further interior opened. "Stay here, I'll be right back!" Snow said, walking towards the door.

"Trench coat! Where you goin'?" Sazh asked.

"Gotta be specific. There's two guys with trench coats here." I told him.

"Oh, yeah. Uh—Snow!" He said, finally remembering his name.

"Date with the Fal'Cie. Got some things to talk about." He said.

"What?! You're gonna ask IT to help HER?! Are you out of your mind, kid?!" Sazh asked, not believing what he was hearing.

"If he is, then I've found someone here I can relate to." I said.

"That thing wants to chew us up and spit us out!" Sazh continued.

"Well what do you WANT me to do?!" Snow shouted furiously.

Sazh was at a loss for words. Lightning then huffed and walked by him and past Snow. "Lightning." Snow said quietly, following.

"Oh, goody, we're gonna kill a god." I said, following.

[I don't think this will end well.]

But if we win, We'll have bragging rights against Damion!

"If we ever SEE Damion again." I said.

"Here we go." Sazh groaned following us.

Oh, man, fighting a god!? Shit's about to get real!


End file.
